January 18th, 2012 by J

Real Life Cybersex

Found this on one of my trawls and thought it was brilliant.

Wellhung: Hello,
Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I’m toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6′3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner – it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a *plop*.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your … umm … wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark. I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Wellhung: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my … you know … thing … in your … you know … woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

January 8th, 2012 by J

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “South African Airways”
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: “Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

Mom fainted!

January 6th, 2012 by J

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls It is time to unite, It is time to stand against the stigma. For too long we have huddled in the shadows only to be snoot-ed at by the supposed Epicurean experts. It is time to rise up and Shout “I DONT CARE”.

What am i talking about i am talking about Tomato Sauce.

I Like tomato sauce! Yes it does go with Cheese on toast, It does go with Pastys it is a sauce! Just because it comes in a bottle and not in a dainty boat, bowel, ramekin or pot does not make it any less of a sauce.

If i asked for mint, mustard, barbecue, teriyaki or soy  would i be frowned at in that look down your nose way NO! but ask for Tomato sauce and you are deemed a lesser human.

VIVA LA TOMATO SAUCE.

And this goes for brown sauce on bacon sarnies too…

November 12th, 2011 by J

Here we go another quick geek round up for all you tech starved wanderers out there.

For a starter we have a new line of computers that we will all be wearing by 2020 from Sony

Some Shake and Wake batteries.

A lovely concept laptop.

For Main course we could drool over workstations for every geek out there.

you could buy a slightly pricey Mac.

How about a little web design cynicism instead.

A little client web design relationship adjustment.

For desert you should always ask your date her opinion.

Fruit is a possible choice.

How about some stinky cheese.

OR something a little more solid.

Enjoy.

September 8th, 2011 by J

Hi all, thought i would do another quick net round up while i am waiting to leave the hotel in Jersey.

Ok lets start with Art we all love some of it but here are a few bits to amuse.

Paper art from a single sheet of the plain white stuff. – The coolest theatre stage ever. – Balloon animals can be considered art. – Cool toys to make your own art. – How to make a house art.

Now for some fun stuff from my wanderings.

Ever wandered what is in the hidden forgotten barn, cupboard etc. – Don’t download illegal music buy from itunes. – Cool zombie marchers. – Why parents are always stressed. – The old argument Mac V PC. – Mature peoples truths. – Women’s goals. – And finally a collection of angry notes.

June 30th, 2011 by J

Rules:
1. Put your iPod, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer, hit skip if you get the same artist.
3. You must write down that song name, no matter how silly it sounds.
4. Have fun!

If someone asks if you’re OK, you say…
“Lean on me i wont fall over” by Carter the unstoppable sex machine

How would you describe yourself?
“The Impossible dream” by Carter the unstoppable sex machine

What do you look for in a girl?
“Satellite” by Lena

How do you feel today?
“Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by Hayseed Dixies version

What is your life’s purpose?
“Du Hast” by Volkerball

What’s your motto?
“Live and let die” by Guns and roses

What do your friends think of you?
“Suppose you gave a funeral and nobody came” by Carter the unstoppable sex machine
(which is a little worrying)

What do your parents think of you?
“The Game” by the Levellers

What do you think about very often?
“Three little birds” by Bob marley and the wailers

What do you think about your first kiss?
“Peace sells” by Megadeath

What do you think of your best friend?
“Sinnerman” by Nina Simone

What is your life story?
“Not Fair” by Lily Allen

What do you want to be when you grow up?
“Countdown to extinction” by Megadeath

What do you think when you see the person you like?
“Patience” by Guns and roses

What will you dance to at your wedding?
“Easy” by Faith no more

What will they play at your funeral?
“Wild child” by lou reed

What is your hobby/interest?
“What you gonna do” by Plan B

What is your biggest fear?
“Sweet child of mine” by guns and roses

What is your biggest secret?
“Changes” by David bowie

What do you want right now?
“The Perfect Nanny” by the Gorillaz

What do you think of your friends?
“Lemon” by U2

What title will you give this post?
“Mustang Sally” by The Commitments

February 3rd, 2011 by J

Hi all.

Thought i would post a caption competition for a bit of fun.

Come on what do you think.

December 15th, 2010 by J

Well here we go another little web round up of my wanderings.

I have since i was a kid loved Classic cars and in a world where we embrace technology i have to say that i still prefer the classics. Have a look at these blasts from the past and make up your own mind. Some great cars!

Having said that new technology can be fun but sometimes a little confusing. You can also find a little re-assurance and enjoyment now that may be in the form of sexual or possibly commercial but in general there is something for everyone.

Jokes:

jokes on the Internet come in many forms for the Man/Woman genre to the one liners. This is not the end of it however as visual joke play a large part of Internet humour and also the accumulation of items that on there own seem innocent.  We are also open to new perspectives and ideas that can be made humorous.

I Hope you have enjoyed these little interludes and now you really should get back to work.

July 30th, 2010 by J

Well here we are again with a little bit of fun and info from the net. I think this time we shall start with a little geekery for all those geek chic out there.

Lets start of slow with a nice print out and hang wall chart for all those aspiring geeks courtesy of Geekologie.

As every good geek knows desk tidying is an essential part of keeping your workstation free from irritation and someone has come up with this cleaver little idea.

The essential piece of kit for every aspiring geek is the Internet so why not get ahead of the game with this selection in search engines that search the “Invisible Web”.

You will also need a few sites to kill the boredom when working so here are a couple, Track you mouse movement and how many people are is space.

Eventually your clients will come and you will wish they hadn’t.

At some point you will have to look the the future and the new technology #1, #2.

Also you will need something to aspire to.

Hope you enjoyed this wander into geekery, see you all soon.

June 22nd, 2010 by J

Time for some more funnies i think.

First off i feel we should start with some social commentary dealing with god and the ongoing argument of organic food. From that i feel we can be led nicely into the use of twitter when commenting on the news and the obvious pitfalls of the medium.

Then we come to the celebration of being a man and the way in which we deal with the world around us especially our home environment and the everyday issues that we encounter, It could also be said that we share some of the same traits with our animal companions.

Mankind has always embraced the extremes of life from artistic crime through to a child hearing for the first time but we can also turn our hand to just about anything if the need arises. As humans we also have the ability to disguise bad news but find beauty in disaster. Humans also have a passion for strange nonsense for no other reason than we can and we are bored.

But nature can always out do us.

I hope you have enjoyed the above and check back soon for more ramblings.